Me, Too.

I consider myself a “good” guy. Good, in this case, meaning I take no for an answer and live with zero regrets as to whether I have pushed a woman too far against her wishes or taken advantage of someone who is drunk. I’ve tried to continue to do that throughout my life and don’t defend anyone who thinks it’s normal or acceptable (previous writing examples here and here.) This is baseline “good” as far as this writing goes.

I’m not the best, but I am good. I’m not full of myself and still hungry. I should give more money away. I should read my Bible more. I should carry fewer grudges. I should reserve more judgement. What I’ll never be is flawless. But I’m good.

But I, too, am part of the problem because I haven’t done enough to support my friends who have shared their stories or to distance myself from ill-intentioned male friends. There was a time when I realized by being skeptical of someone’s very real trauma, I was defending sexual assault and male behaviors that are considered normal.

What I’m seeing in the news and on social media has been encouraging and devastating, often at the same time. To see people I went to school with, met in the past in Atlanta or Nashville, or haven’t even met at all come forward with their long-private stories of sexual assault has been uplifting, yet deflating.

But for the first time in my life, I am seeing these important conversations occur in the mainstream, not just as footnotes on one or two news cycles when rape is in local news. This is important.

It is possible to believe and respect Dr. Ford’s story AND respect Judge Kavanaugh’s right to due process when it comes to the accusations against him. Her story deserves to be heard and investigated. I’ve seen too many people (sadly, often Republicans vs. Democrats) feel the need to pick a side.

It is very possible that both of them believe they’re telling the truth. It’s possible that he wasn’t there. It’s possible she is mistaken about his identity. But to suggest she would subject herself to harassment and national scrutiny over a false claim to testify in front of the entire country, knowing she’d be giving up comfortable anyonimity for herself and her family is a dangerous angle to take.

I’m angered to see so many other “good” guys dismiss the conversations entirely. There are plenty of men out there who have never sexually assaulted a woman, but what it takes is men talking to other men about this. I had a friend get in touch with me this week, wanting my opinion but also asking if I had ever gone too far, what I felt about it, if so, and what men can do to force progress. This is important.

So, what can we do? It’s a big problem, but we’re all part of the solution. And it goes beyond the rule of “no means no.” You can’t do everything, but you can do something.

– If you’re friends with someone’s abuser, change that.
– If someone shares their story of trauma, reach for sympathy instead of skepticism.
– Remove “boys will be boys” from your box of go-to phrases.
– Stop reaching out to women who share their stories to mansplain why it’s not what she thinks.
– Ignore your politics and be smart enough to see this as a human issue, not a partisan issue.

This takes more of the good men talking to more of the good men. Speak. It’s awkward, I get it. Guys don’t talk about stuff, but too many of our behaviors are considered normal and routine. Time to separate the sheep from goats.

Whether Kavanaugh is confirmed or not, I think history will remember Dr. Ford and the conversations her story sparked. I believe these conversations can lead to a great change in what we consider normal and acceptable behavior by men and female empowerment. Be on the right side of history. This is important.