Me, Too.

I consider myself a “good” guy. Good, in this case, meaning I take no for an answer and live with zero regrets as to whether I have pushed a woman too far against her wishes or taken advantage of someone who is drunk. I’ve tried to continue to do that throughout my life and don’t defend anyone who thinks it’s normal or acceptable (previous writing examples here and here.) This is baseline “good” as far as this writing goes.

I’m not the best, but I am good. I’m not full of myself and still hungry. I should give more money away. I should read my Bible more. I should carry fewer grudges. I should reserve more judgement. What I’ll never be is flawless. But I’m good.

But I, too, am part of the problem because I haven’t done enough to support my friends who have shared their stories or to distance myself from ill-intentioned male friends. There was a time when I realized by being skeptical of someone’s very real trauma, I was defending sexual assault and male behaviors that are considered normal.

What I’m seeing in the news and on social media has been encouraging and devastating, often at the same time. To see people I went to school with, met in the past in Atlanta or Nashville, or haven’t even met at all come forward with their long-private stories of sexual assault has been uplifting, yet deflating.

But for the first time in my life, I am seeing these important conversations occur in the mainstream, not just as footnotes on one or two news cycles when rape is in local news. This is important.

It is possible to believe and respect Dr. Ford’s story AND respect Judge Kavanaugh’s right to due process when it comes to the accusations against him. Her story deserves to be heard and investigated. I’ve seen too many people (sadly, often Republicans vs. Democrats) feel the need to pick a side.

It is very possible that both of them believe they’re telling the truth. It’s possible that he wasn’t there. It’s possible she is mistaken about his identity. But to suggest she would subject herself to harassment and national scrutiny over a false claim to testify in front of the entire country, knowing she’d be giving up comfortable anyonimity for herself and her family is a dangerous angle to take.

I’m angered to see so many other “good” guys dismiss the conversations entirely. There are plenty of men out there who have never sexually assaulted a woman, but what it takes is men talking to other men about this. I had a friend get in touch with me this week, wanting my opinion but also asking if I had ever gone too far, what I felt about it, if so, and what men can do to force progress. This is important.

So, what can we do? It’s a big problem, but we’re all part of the solution. And it goes beyond the rule of “no means no.” You can’t do everything, but you can do something.

– If you’re friends with someone’s abuser, change that.
– If someone shares their story of trauma, reach for sympathy instead of skepticism.
– Remove “boys will be boys” from your box of go-to phrases.
– Stop reaching out to women who share their stories to mansplain why it’s not what she thinks.
– Ignore your politics and be smart enough to see this as a human issue, not a partisan issue.

This takes more of the good men talking to more of the good men. Speak. It’s awkward, I get it. Guys don’t talk about stuff, but too many of our behaviors are considered normal and routine. Time to separate the sheep from goats.

Whether Kavanaugh is confirmed or not, I think history will remember Dr. Ford and the conversations her story sparked. I believe these conversations can lead to a great change in what we consider normal and acceptable behavior by men and female empowerment. Be on the right side of history. This is important.

Until It Happens To You

A friend of mine who attends an SEC school (privacy intended) was raped last weekend. One day she plans to come out of the shadows and use this experience as a light for others, but for now she asked me to tell her story.

I see rape in the news daily, whether it’s an update on a long-unfolding court case, a story of a newly reported victim, or a case study by an organization that seeks to dig deeper into the idea. Someone recently told me “it doesn’t happen at every school” and that’s 100% false. Here’s a link list of recent rape related stories (just one example of many available) from every SEC school– because a list of every school would take too much time and make me too sick. (Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, LSU, Arkansas, Vanderbilt, Florida, Mississippi State, Ole Miss, Auburn, Mizzou, Texas A&M, Kentucky, South Carolina)

One more note from me before I get to the things she wants to say. We hear it all the time…no means no, right? Let me take it two steps further. If you’ve ever heard the word no, and proceeded to ‘turn it into a yes’ or forcefully ignore the word– you should be behind bars.

If you’ve used a date rape cocktail or tried to get a girl drunk beyond consciousness so you can have sex with her, you don’t even have the real nuts to do that thing you want to do with her in the first place. A real man– something you aren’t– thinks consent is cool.

Now, a quick glimpse into the events of that night, and what has happened since for my friend who was raped– just to remind anyone who may have forgotten that rape is a real issue affecting real people.

“I’m a senior. An above average student in one of the best programs here. My professors have told me I have a bright future in the field. Over the years I’ve somehow managed to find a perfect work/life/school balance. I’m not the envy of anyone to my knowledge…I just blend in and I like it that way.”

“I was invited to a party on Saturday night. Win or lose, there’s always a party. It wasn’t unusual for me to attend and have a couple of drinks. Getting drunk is just not cute, so it doesn’t happen. I just really love seeing friends and making new ones.”

“There are always strangers around, nothing out of the ordinary. I’m always able to be found with a couple of friends just out of familiarity. I’ve always been in the habit of getting my own drinks just to make sure there’s no foul play.”

“I don’t do fruity frills…I drink beer. It’s really just social for me. I had three beers over the course of the two hours or so, nothing crazy. I assume that he slipped something into one and switched our bottles at some point.”

“I woke up and he was on top of me. My shorts were pulled down to my ankles. He had my wrists pinned down with one hand and my mouth covered with the other. I tried to bite him and that freed me to yell for help for a second but the house was too loud.”

“I kept pushing him off of me and it just encouraged him. I could just feel my guts wrenching more and more, all still in a somewhat unconscious state because it was still wearing off.”

What do you want other victims and your family to know about your experience?

“I am not damaged. I am not unclean. I am not done. Don’t get me wrong, this has absolutely crushed me and I have been shaken…it took me several days of hiding and not getting out of bed and eating ice cream to take a deep breath and realize that this isn’t the end. If you’ve been through it, it isn’t the end for you either.”

What would you say to your rapist?

“If the only action you can get requires her to be unconscious, I hope you never have a family one day. I hope you never have a daughter. If you do, I hope what you did to me haunts you. And it will. I will.”

She’s normal. She’s me. She’s you.

He’s scum, and so are you if you’ve ever been part of it.

Silence does not equal consent. Stop it.

(My friend has pursued charges, and they will be brought about soon. However, she is realistic in knowing most rapists aren’t convicted because it is very hard to gather enough evidence. Her hope is that her story can help others while she helps herself.)