Me, Too.

I consider myself a “good” guy. Good, in this case, meaning I take no for an answer and live with zero regrets as to whether I have pushed a woman too far against her wishes or taken advantage of someone who is drunk. I’ve tried to continue to do that throughout my life and don’t defend anyone who thinks it’s normal or acceptable (previous writing examples here and here.) This is baseline “good” as far as this writing goes.

I’m not the best, but I am good. I’m not full of myself and still hungry. I should give more money away. I should read my Bible more. I should carry fewer grudges. I should reserve more judgement. What I’ll never be is flawless. But I’m good.

But I, too, am part of the problem because I haven’t done enough to support my friends who have shared their stories or to distance myself from ill-intentioned male friends. There was a time when I realized by being skeptical of someone’s very real trauma, I was defending sexual assault and male behaviors that are considered normal.

What I’m seeing in the news and on social media has been encouraging and devastating, often at the same time. To see people I went to school with, met in the past in Atlanta or Nashville, or haven’t even met at all come forward with their long-private stories of sexual assault has been uplifting, yet deflating.

But for the first time in my life, I am seeing these important conversations occur in the mainstream, not just as footnotes on one or two news cycles when rape is in local news. This is important.

It is possible to believe and respect Dr. Ford’s story AND respect Judge Kavanaugh’s right to due process when it comes to the accusations against him. Her story deserves to be heard and investigated. I’ve seen too many people (sadly, often Republicans vs. Democrats) feel the need to pick a side.

It is very possible that both of them believe they’re telling the truth. It’s possible that he wasn’t there. It’s possible she is mistaken about his identity. But to suggest she would subject herself to harassment and national scrutiny over a false claim to testify in front of the entire country, knowing she’d be giving up comfortable anyonimity for herself and her family is a dangerous angle to take.

I’m angered to see so many other “good” guys dismiss the conversations entirely. There are plenty of men out there who have never sexually assaulted a woman, but what it takes is men talking to other men about this. I had a friend get in touch with me this week, wanting my opinion but also asking if I had ever gone too far, what I felt about it, if so, and what men can do to force progress. This is important.

So, what can we do? It’s a big problem, but we’re all part of the solution. And it goes beyond the rule of “no means no.” You can’t do everything, but you can do something.

– If you’re friends with someone’s abuser, change that.
– If someone shares their story of trauma, reach for sympathy instead of skepticism.
– Remove “boys will be boys” from your box of go-to phrases.
– Stop reaching out to women who share their stories to mansplain why it’s not what she thinks.
– Ignore your politics and be smart enough to see this as a human issue, not a partisan issue.

This takes more of the good men talking to more of the good men. Speak. It’s awkward, I get it. Guys don’t talk about stuff, but too many of our behaviors are considered normal and routine. Time to separate the sheep from goats.

Whether Kavanaugh is confirmed or not, I think history will remember Dr. Ford and the conversations her story sparked. I believe these conversations can lead to a great change in what we consider normal and acceptable behavior by men and female empowerment. Be on the right side of history. This is important.

The Defense Of Love

I received an e-mail from someone that has my hair on fire this morning. An excerpt for your understanding:  “Please pray for our Supreme Court justices. Being gay is wrong and they’re bound for hell, but as Christians we should not want our society here on earth to be littered with sin.”

“As Christians…” That gets thrown around a little too much these days. It’s usually used as a preface of something we should actively we do as God’s people, but too often I’ve seen it used as a preface to a permission to hate or judge someone else. He went on to quote plenty of scripture in defense of his argument, so I decided to quote some back to him.

As Christians, we are told to keep our treasures (hopes, expectations, pride) in Heaven and not on Earth, because “where our treasures (again, things like hopes, expectations, and pride) are, there our hearts will be also.” (Matthew 6:19-21) If you’re against the right for same-sex couples to marry because you don’t want your experience at the bar to be uncomfortable or your office kitchen to be awkward, your treasures and priorities seem to be on earth.

As Christians, the greatest command we are given is to love. To single out someone based on their life choices, to belittle them in the public eye, or to publicly demean a group of people behind the anonymous safety of text on a screen is not love. Love creates time, space, and understanding. If you are not creating those things for the person you’re dating, you’re not loving them. In the same way, if you’re choosing to be a public hater of someone’s life choices…I wouldn’t call that love. (John 13:34)

As Christians, we “have all fallen short.” (Romans 3:23) What does this mean? We have all fallen short. We have all done bad things. We have all sinned. We have all done the exact opposite of what God would have us to do. Yes, that means you. And you. And you, too.

As Christians, we unfortunately live in a world that suggests certain sins are worse than others. Before you become so quick to criticize someone for ‘a lifestyle choice’, just think about all of the things you could be criticized for. What’s that one thing you hope no one ever finds out about? The one thing that would wash away your sandcastle? My sins are no better than yours. Your sins are no better than a murderer on death row…or the gay man at the bar. Before you go throwing stones at someone’s glass house, take a look through the windows. Let the one without sin throw the first rock. (John 8:7)

You’re an alcoholic, but “Gays at the bar bother me.” You’re a terrible father, but “Gays aren’t real parents.” You cheat on your wife, but “Gays shouldn’t be allowed to get married.”

STAHHHHHHHHHPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

Freedom is the backbone of this country. I’m free to be Christian, you’re free to be an atheist. I’m free to like girls, and girls are free to do the same. I can have whatever job someone will give me and make as much money as they’re willing to pay me. The same value of freedom that the LGBT community is crying out to have in full is the SAME thing that ALLOWS you to live your life AS YOU CHOOSE. You can’t just choose when it applies. It can’t work that way.

Criticizing someone else for a sin they commit just because it doesn’t apply to you speaks more about you than it does them. Homosexuality has become an easy thing to pick on among Christian circles because it doesn’t apply to most of us. But we’re all different. We may be different, but we’re called to love everyone. Not just the people who like Ed Sheeran music. Not just the people who have never been divorced. Not just white people.

And not just straight people.